For a better understanding of this story, read My Testimony first.
It’s funny how life works. You’re headed down a certain path, and before you know it, it all changes. That’s happened to me more than a few times in my life. One of those times was when and I finally came to terms with my sexuality. I was 18 at the time, and barely able to cope with such a big change in my life.
I have to say I was never happy with that lifestyle. Being raised as a Christian and I knew right from wrong, and what I was doing was wrong. The Holy Spirit was always letting me know that in no uncertain terms. After several years of living that way, my path yet took another direction when my convictions led me to live a life of celibacy.
That was seven years ago, and Ive done alot of growing spiritually since then. This year will make it ten years Ive been with Bill. The last eight of them have been completely celibate, but Were still very close (emotionally). Way closer than mere friends. I feel that My feel place is by his side.
I’ve done alot of changing over the years. Big changes, like How I conduct myself, how I treat others, and the most important thing: my relationship with God. I’ve really come a long way, but I still have alot of growing to do. I felt I needed some fellowship for me to grow as a Christian, but I knew that wasn’t going to be an easy task.
I feel out of place around other Christians because Im different, and not just for being gay. I also suffer from Bi-Polar disorder, and I dont relate with people very well. Sometimes I get extremely parinoid, and I feel like people against me somehow. Despite these two obsticles in my way, I was still eager to try to fit in with other Christians. My spirit really needed this!
My Church
I have a church I’ve gone to off and on for the last fifteen years. It’s a conservative Bible believing church. I’ve known the pastor since I started going there. He’s always been really nice to me and he’s always treated me with respect. I’ve had numerous chats with him in his office over the years and I feel I can open up to him about anything. For a long time he and his wife (and afew others) were the only ones in the church that I knew. When I went to church I didn’t talk to anyone or make any eye contact. I just sat down, listened to the sermon, and walked out as quickly as I could when it was over. I didnt go very often either. That was the way I wanted it for a long time, but I always felt I needed more than that.
About five months ago I decided to start going to church regularly, and In my effort to get more involved in the church, I decided to join a home group. That way I would be able to get to know people better. I wanted to try and fit in and maybe make some friends, but that didn’t seem very likely to me. Even if they didnt know about my little secret, I felt I probably wouldn’t fit in anyway. I felt I was taking a risk. I knew If this didn’t work out I couldn’t go back to not knowing anyone there. Still, I needed to give it a try, so I started the effort on my part by being friendly, and trying my best to blend in.
I remember the first homegroup meeting. I felt really self concious. I felt like I was wearing a big sign that said “”Homosexual” or “sinner”. They were all very nice though, and they made me feel welcomed.
After the meeting the host of the group wanted to keep in touch with all of us through Facebook. I knew that would be a problem. It says on my profile that I’m in a relationship, and not with a woman, so I needed a way to explain that. Sure I could’ve removed my relationship status, but I didnt feel I had anything to be ashamed of. Heres how I handled the matter: I went ahead and put him on my friends list, and I immediately sent him a link to My Testimony. I figured that would be a good way to explain my situation to him, and besides, I like sharing my story with people. I had no idea how he was going to react though. I felt I was really taking a chance. A few days later he gave me his response. He was very supportive of my situation. since then hes always nice to me and treats me like a normal person. That really means alot to me.
I shared a part of my life with him, and afew others, and they were all very supportive of my situation. They didnt see my relationship with Bill as sinful. I must admit I was surprised. I was expecting hate and rejection. Instead these people reached out to me and accepted me as a brother in Christ. Now I could maybe just relax and be myself.
You might ask why I outed myself to these people. Its not like I tell everyone. Ive only told a select few people Im comfortable with. Theres a few good reasons for telling someone this sortof thing. For the most part I wanted to make sure they would like me just the way I am. Im not going to pretend to be something Im not.
Things were going good for awhile. I was meeting people and starting to get to know them, and feeling like I fit in, and all of a sudden went into a manic episode. I got extremely parinoid, and I felt like everyone was against me. It got so bad that I didnt go to church for about a month.
While I was at home recooperating from the whole ordeal, I got a phone call from someone in my home group. She called to see how I was doing. I dont remember much of the conversation, but I know I was really happy afterwards. It didnt get me out of my manic episode, but it made me realize that I have some people who really care about me. Eventually I got to feeling better, and not too long after that, I was ready to go face everyone again.
Ive gone through a few manic episodes since then. Its very unusual for me to have so many episodes like this. I think its because of the stress from feeling like I dont fit in with these people. Theyve been very supportive through all of this, and for that Im very thankful.
This last five months (more or less) has been a real learning experience for me, and Its been an important part of my walk with God. I enjoy spending time at church, learning about God and what he has to say about things. Lately Im realizing that Im not the only one to have a sinful past. Everyone sins, even the best Christians. Now that I know that little fact, I figured I can just relax, and try to blend in with these people. Of Course thats easier said than done. With my parinoia, Its hard to connect with people and its hard to get close to anyone. I admit I have made a few friends I feel comfortable with. As For the rest, Ill just try to keep them on good tearms.
I think God puts certain people in my life for a reason, whether its a friend, or just an aquaintance, and I have to trust that he knows whats best for me. I will continue to let Him lead me, and Ill continue to try to be the best Christian ans the best person I can be, regardless of what others think of me.
Thanks for reading my story
